I found my new hair style

We let this guy into our country?

Finally bigger than the Beatles?

I'm just mad that the Stranglers weren't higher.

Anyway, with one of the Gallagher brothers' claims that Oasis is bigger than the Beatles, and John Lennon's claim that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, where does Oasis now fit on the scale?

Fugee-La

I know this happens every few years, but I still can't help but get excited.

Trim the Fat

After a random discussion with a coworker, we came up with a new plan for the country. In fact, I liked it so much, I’m proposing it as an official stance of the Birthday Party (Mark, are you still out there?). With the population of the U.S. at 300 million, give or take, I think it’s time to trim the fat. New Mexico? Gone. Back to Old Mexico. North Dakota and South Dakota as separate states? Is the necessary? Throw ‘em together. In fact, combine them and throw together a package deal with Canada that includes northern Minnesota and Michgan’s upper peninsula. Alaska? We actually pay people to live there. Please. Take it. Or at least demote it to commonwealth status like Puerto Rico.

I think we can simplify even more. Who needs 50 states? Do you remember how hard it was to memorize all the capitals? How does 10 or 15 states sound? Combine all the little ones in the northeast into the O.C. (original colonies). Then, we throw everything below the Mason-Dixon line into three groups – the South, the Deep South and Florida. I also like the idea of creating a Mid, a Mid-West and a West. Clump the northwest into “IdaWashGon” and you don’t lose much. Rename Nevada as Las Vegas, and expand the legalized gambling area. In fact, I think the state Las Vegas should annex Utah. Finally, Texas is Texas, because, hey, no one messes with it.

Then, we elect leaders in a tiered structure, so people need to climb into the top ranks of government. Been a mayor? Good, now run for county seat. Done with that? Jump to Governor, then Representative. Hang out there for a while, and then run for the top office, which I am hereby renaming the Grand Poohbah.

Actually, I don’t really care — though I still think we should combine North and South Dakota, as North and South Carolina and Virginia and West Virginia. I still think we need to lose New Mexico, though. How does an even trade with Mexico sound, with us getting Baja? Let’s all meet in Cabo. I really need a vacation.

Maybe We're Finally Catching Up to Europe

Apparently, this commercial might never make it to TV, but I thought I would share it with you. It almost makes me want that . . . wait, what is this commercial for?



By the way, my favorite part is when Paris is crawling on the ground and you can see her ribs, and then she takes a bite of the burger. That's hot. I bet that held her over for a week.

See any resemblance?

When I was a kid, I found my dad's old expired passport from the early 80s and was convinced my dad looked like a terrorist in pictures (FULL DISCLOSURE: He is not). At the time, it made sense. I was 5 and I had no clue what my dad did. He used to travel more for business, as well.


However, as I was waking up this morning, I saw this picture flashed on the T.V. and I'm starting to wonder again. Could my dad be Saddam Hussein?

Girls, Comedy, Sports, Music: Maxim Radio is the Best Thing to Happen to Men . . . Since Women Used to Kick You in the Crotch

Random thoughts:

On the Suns: At the game last night, I was worried. And from the tension in the arena for the first three quarters, so was everyone else. I think the Suns were even worried, like they psyched themselves out during the first half. Even though the Suns finally pulled out the victory, they trailed at the end of each of the first three quarters.

Somewhere along the line (during the second half), I began thinking the ultimate in NBA conspiracy theories: that Steve Nash, despite a $60 million contract from the Suns, was still on Mark Cuban’s payroll and was being paid to throw the series. Despite his triple-double, some of his decisions were suspect and he finished the game with five turnovers. I think most of the turnovers came near the end of the third quarter, when the game was tight, and ended up in some fast-point baskets for the Mavs. On one hand, I could see some logic to this — after all, this was Steve Nash’s old team and Dallas surely knew his moves. However, I think if anyone in the NBA has the balls to let his best player leave the team uncompensated, sign with a conference rival and pay him to throw a possible playoff series — it's Mark Cuban.

We’ll see. There’s still two games left, and I think both can go either way. One thing I do know is that based on his last two games, Nash definitely deserved the MVP award.


On new music: Lately I’ve been listening to a wide range of music, thanks to Sirius and my iPod. The new Beck CD is great, and I rediscovered some older albums by Sonic Youth, Harvey Danger, Ben Kweller and the Smashing Pumpkins that are outstanding — especially “Pisces Iscariot” by the Pumpkins. Recent CD purchases include the new Beck, the new Weezer, Tegan and Sara, Louis XIV, the Zutons and the Kings of Leon. With the exception of the Kings of Leon, I haven’t been disappointed. I’ve also been granted access to a coworker’s server with about 120 gigs of music, though our tastes don’t directly overlap (in addition to early rips of the as-of-now-not-released Gorillaz CD, he has some Siouxsie and the Banshees and a stash of gothic porn).

There is so much music out there right now that I’m continually adding to my wish list. I generally maintain a three song rule; that is, if I like three songs on the CD (that I’ve heard on the radio or downloaded or something like that) I buy the CD to support the artist. So, for absolutely no reason at all, here’s a list of what I’m listening to right now (generally via satellite radio as I haven’t purchased anything yet):

CDs that meet my three-song rule that I want to buy:
Sage Francis
!!!
LCD Soundsystem
Dub Pistols

CDs close to my three-song rule:
Sondre Lerche
Emeliana Torrini
The Roots – Phrenology (an older one)
Dresdon Dolls
Interpol
N.E.R.D. – In Search of (the first one) and Clones (with the song Frontin’ with Jay-Z. By the way, if anyone likes this song, I strongly recommend Jamie Cullum, a twentysomething British jazz singer who does a great version of this)


Other bands I’m listing to on my iPod:
The Mars Volta
Thievery Corporation
Atmosphere
Led Zeppelin (my iPod is called Zeppelin, after all)
Ryan Adams
The Clash
Deltron 3030 and Quannum Spectrum
DJ Shadow
Pretty Girls Make Graves
The Postal Service

If anyone has some recommendations for other music, please let me know and leave a comment. I just purchased an external hard drive and am looking to fill it up. I still don’t understand why radio stations can’t figure out that people listen to a huge mix of music. Is it just me, or who can stand listening to the same station all the time. David Byrne figured it out — this is one of the coolest playlists I have ever seen.


On why Maxim Radio sucks: There is a station on Sirius called Maxim Radio, and it is supposed to bring magazine to life. For example, last night they had a feature called “Bad Places to Barf” that included people calling in and talking about vomiting at work or on a cop’s feet. Tonight, they are asking people to call in if they have ever broken something during sex (meaning a body part, not something in the room). The DJs/hosts (Evan and Brian, Covino and Rich) are horrible – they are obviously early-30s tools who weren’t cool enough to hang out with their older brothers when they were growing up. Topics and conversations are easily the SHALLOWIST that I have ever heard — and I used to hang out on a sorority floor. Then, every once in a while, they need a break so they play a song, some horrible, easily forgettable piece of manly guitar pop crap that sounds like everything else – Hoobastank, Nickelback, 3 Doors Down and (this is the kicker) Limp Bizkit. I don’t know anyone who listened to Limp Bizkit when they were relevant (where they ever?) and I sure as hell don’t know anyone who cares about the Nookie now. Please take a second to read some of Fred Durst’s semi-intelligent ramblings on his blog. Sadly, he doesn’t post photos of the Hollywood sluts he’s banged.

Wine Tasting

This might be one of the weirdest pictures I've ever seen

First there's news that Quentin Tarantino tried to slip through a beastiality joke on the season finale of CSI, and now this?

What is the world coming to?

My Katie Holmes fantasy when something like this, too

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sing "Candy Shop"

100% Grade A, Top Choice Man

For the record, contrary to my posts, my friend Ryan is not gay.




I repeat: not gay.




Not that there's anything wrong with that.




I even have a picture of him with his girlfriend:



So not gay.



My friend Ryan is a tough, tough guy. He is scary. See? I found a picture of him looking scary. I thought he was going to carjack me or something.



Ryan is tough.


Doesn't that girl look scared to be with him? Why is that, I wonder?


Still, some of his actions in public are a little hard to explain. Seriously Ryan, why did you enter that banana eating contest in West Hollywood? And did you know if you rearrange they letters in your name, it spells "Anus as Merry"? How do you explain that?

I Saw the Sign

One time, a long time ago, I tried to convice my wife that I was able to disassociate songs with the memories that went along with them. I think we had just started dating, and I said something like "I always used to listen to this song with my ex-girlfriend." It turned out that, early on, she had issues with my ex-girlfriends (well, one in particular). So did I, apparently. Anyway, I told her that I had no association between this song and my ex, and I maintained that position for a few years.

It turns out, not only do I strongly associate songs with people and moments but I associate some pretty strange songs with memories. What follows is sort of a "soundtrack of my life."

I remember beating my dad at foosball for the first time with Queen's "We are the Champions" in the background. Ironically, it was my dad's favorite song to listen to while playing foosball.

Billy Idol's "White Wedding" reminds me of my mom, and her description of her aerobics classes. "This is where it really got tough!" she would say. Christy can now tell this story by heart.

The first three years of my relationship with Christy could be summed up by a mix CD I made for her when she went to Spain that we affectionately dubbed "The Sex CD." Some Portishead ("Dummy"), a few songs from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack and some Dave Matthews ("Crash") can go a long way toward erasing a chasm of 5,000 miles.

Every time I hear a song - and I mean every single time - by Ace of Base, I think of my friend Ryan. He purchased that CD one day in Denver. To his credit, I think he also purchased Tom Petty's Greatest Hits the same day. Last night on my way home, I heard "All She Wants" and almost called him.

There's some random line in the Sublime song "Chico mi tipo" that reminds me of this guy Blake and a time when we were hanging in Phoenix driving around in his car when I was 15. I don't think I can type this line in this family-friendly environment, though.


More to come.


By the way, I recently invested in a set of wireless speakers (hooked up to my home stereo) and a cable to connect my iPod to my stereo. The iPod is amazing - and now I can annoy my wife and the neighbors with it.

Han Solo


Seriously, Ryan, why did you want this up here?

The NBA Playoffs as Star Wars Characters

The Spurs are easily Darth Vader. I don't know anyone who likes them, yet they are always coming out on top.

Shaq is like Yoda. His quotes are the best, and he went into hiding for a few seasons before coming back and kicking some ass.

Teams like the Wizards, the Bulls, the Nets, the Grizzlies and the Kings are like Storm Troopers - they don't really have any individual personality and no one really cares when they all get blown away.

Jeff Van Gundy (coach of the Rockets) is like Luke: a little whiney bitch. Who cares if everyone is fouling Yao? He's 7'6" - shouldn't we make the game a little tougher for him?

Steve Nash and the Suns are the Han Solo of the NBA: carefree, fast talking (and high scoring) but you never know if they will show up for the fight (i.e., no defense)

Ben Wallace is Chewbacca. Look at the pictures.

Plus, they last nearly as long. How long does it take to make six movies? About as long as it takes to decide the NBA's champ.

Things overheard in my office during construction that could have also been said at a bachelor party

Can you help me lay this wood?

Got the strippers?

Nice spackle job.

Arrest the network programmers!

I was going to write this, but I've been so busy at work that I haven't had a chance. Maybe I'll write something after the season finale.

Hands down, BEST SHOW ON NETWORK TELEVISION. I will not even entertain arguments otherwise. Go here and sign this petition - not that it will do much anyway. See my comments below on voting and the election process in general.

An employee with too much free time

Let me introduce to you Kita, an employee of one of the largest media companies in the world. No wonder the company's theme parks are filled with fat, unhappy people and its movies suck.

America!

America We Stand as One

Dr. Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and become completely apathetic

In November I was pretty worked up about this whole Bush-Kerry election (remember that?). However last night I was thinking to myself does it really matter? How has this affected my life at all? I cannot think of one time in the past five months other than the few weeks after the election where I have thought to myself, “boy, we’re all screwed now.” I suppose that HAD Kerry won my life would have been different as he would have been trying to institute his agenda – and I would have to listen to all the conservatives complain about Bush losing. Albeit it has only been five months the country hasn’t gone to hell 48% of the population predicted. Now Iraq – that’s another matter. I’m glad I don’t live there.

In fact I think that Bush’s second term has been more boring than his first. The frequency of Bushisms has slowed. I read somewhere – I don’t remember where – that Bush had actually taken lessons in diction and vocabulary and had focused on being less “hickish” – one of the very things that appealed to his fan base.

Today an article in Wall Street Journal mentioned that the Republican party is beginning to splinter as Bush’s recent actions with Social Security and Terry Schiavo are dividing the party on social and moral grounds. According to one person there is a growing divide between Bush’s goals and what the American public desires. Then there was that other report in the last month that mentioned that ALL of the U.S.’s intelligence prior to the invasion of Iraq was incorrect. Don’t take this as support of the conservative agenda or Bush’s agenda, but I think the bigger risk is represented by the Republican leaders in Congress and his brother Jeb, who supposedly is down with L. Ron and the Scientologists.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I still don’t see how politics affect me on a daily basis (I can already see the wheels in motion in Christy’s mind as she prepares her argument). Previously I had argued that the only thing that really upset me about having Bush as a president was the fact that our reputation as Americans had been ruined abroad. Judging from the fun I had last year in Paris, I think this depends on the person. Either way I’m sure the president will end up doing something with which I don’t agree – but hey, isn’t that one of the risks of a representative government?

All right stop, collaborate and listen

Is there another opening line that so energizes those people between the ages of 25 and 30? Does anyone else recall the days of "Go ninja, go ninja, go" and Arsenio Hall? In fact, if I were compiling a top 100 list of my memories, I'm not so sure that I could leave off the great scene from an early Vanilla Ice interview (also replayed in the Behind the Music special on the great white hype) in which Mr. Robert Van Winkle explained the key difference between Queen and David Bowie's song "Under Pressure" and "Ice Ice Baby":

"Their song goes bah-dah-dah-dadadada, bah-dah-dah-dadadada while mine goes bah-DAH-dah-dadadada-tin, bah-DAH-dah-dadadada-tin. It's that tiny little 'tin' at the end that makes it different."

Straight from the mouth of a genius.



If you remember this, please let me know. Now, I thought I'd pass this along:


Implausible Claims
Made by Vanilla Ice
in His 1990 No. 1 Hit
"Ice Ice Baby."

"Ice is back with my brand-new invention."

"Turn off the lights and I'll glow."

"I rock a mike like a vandal."

"I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom."

"I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a high hat."

"I grabbed my nine."

"I'm a lyrical poet."

"My style's like a chemical spill."

"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram."

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it."



Giving credit where it's due.

What Goes Around

After resuming all that is great and wonderful in the world (i.e., my blogging prowess), I entertained myself by re-reading some of my older (though still absolutely hysterical) verbal stylings and came to one conclusion: I am running out of references. How is this possible you ask, knowing full well that I am overflowing with pop culture witicisms and other miscellaneous knowledge? Well, I answer, I'm not really sure. But note that, in my most recent post, I mentioned having the ability to pause time and take a nap. Unfortunately, I used the exact same reference to Out of this World in an earlier post. There's also my double Burt Reynolds reference (does this make it triple now?). The man deserves some respect but am I giving him too much?* After inserting yet another punchy give-and-take between Ryan and me (another retread), I was about to post something alluding to the Rolling Stones' Sympathy for the Devil - only to remember I've already done it. It's starting to sound like the same old, same old that happens when my friends gather in Monument to rehash "Good times, Great oldies." I think Christy can tell most of my childhood stories better than me at this point - and she's nice enough to call my bluff when I start to exaggerate (Love ya baby!).

What I really enjoyed about the blog was not so much my postings but the give-and-take between multiple characters in the "comments" section. So, Ryan, Carissa, Christy, Karen and Mark: get back up in the saddle and make yourself heard like 100 Rifles.




*In an unrelated sidenote, I finally watched the original The Longest Yard a few months back - I think the remake is going to be disappointing. But since Hollywood seems obsessed with remakes right now, I vote that Adam Sandler star as Burt in every role. Who wouldn't go see Billy Madison in Smokey and the Bandit? He could even follow it up with a turn in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Boogie Nights - again, perfect roles. Carissa, do what you can to set this up.

File Under: Things I Wish I Could Do

This is pure beauty.


There's lots more on this list, too. Travel for a year. Figure out my taxes. Pass the CFA exam. Stop getting hangovers. Get in better shape. Sleep with an Asian girl. Have the ability to pause time, so I could just take a nap once in a while. Train my dog to heel. And, train my dog to heal. Speak Spanish. Hell, even speak Mandarin Chinese. Play bridge. Start a hedge fund. Shoot under par for a round of golf. Win a Nobel prize for economics. Make sure I don't spend the rest of my life in Phoenix. Start a band. Have said band make a good record - it doesn't have to be a hit, just good. Write a book. Or write a screenplay. Start a political party - enough of this two-party shit. Learn to each junk food without having my dad's voice in my head counting grams of fat. Live outside of the country for a while. Hit a really big air on my snowboard in a terrain park, with lots of people watching. Finally catch that damn Trix Rabbit.


And, really rip on a BMX bike.

Pictures from Sonoma

Me and the wifey in our future vineyard  

Pictures from Sonoma

3 sheets to the wind 

Pictures from Sonoma

Very excited to be at Korbel. It must have been the brandy at 10:30 in the morning. 

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Ryan says:
did you hear the pope died?
Zach says:
NO!
Ryan says:
yeah.. i think they are trying to keep it quiet
Zach says:
I think I had him in a death pool, so I may have won some cash
Ryan says:
damn.. i had tony curtis in my bracket
Zach says:
it was funny, on Saturday, all the networks dropped scheduled coverage to report on this, except for CBS, which kept showing "The Road to the Final Four" - so I guess we know how religion and basketball rank for CBS
Ryan says:
well i really don't understand what they were reporting.. every time i turned on the tv, they were just staring at st peter's or the vatican. not to be a dick, but the guy is old. he had a good run, but honestly, does it need to interrupt my surreal life marathon?
Zach says:
yes, because it ruined plans for Strange Love 2: John Paul and Madonna
Ryan says:
"po-pey-pope!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A typical conversation between Ryan and me

Ryan says:
are you guys doing anything for spring vacation?
Zach says:
I don't know
Zach says:
well, we don't get it off from work, I know that much
Ryan says:
right.. well me and belle are thinking about a mexico trip in march..
Zach says:
is this an invitation?
Ryan says:
absolutely!
Ryan says:
possibly a nice resort in cancun
Zach says:
just to let you know, we don't swing or anything
Ryan says:
um, yeah..
Ryan says:
well then i'll ask someone who wants to "play"


And, man oh man, do I wish I had saved a conversation from earlier today. Our mutual friend (and Ryan's old roommate) dropped in on Ryan in SD, and they got "beyond drunk." The night ended with Justin, naked except for a strategically placed sock, molesting Cadis' bed, pillows and stuffed bear. Apparently, there is photographic evidence of this situation, although I haven' seen it. Cadis, however, has.

New Year's Debauchery

My wife, Lampshade 

The Lampshade Crew 

Every student needs a role model

There's this song I've been listening to lately, and it includes the following verse:

The schools now? It is all about
self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids' self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Well, apparently some people believe you can be a stripper and still have high self esteem.

Ahh, youth, the most fleeting gift

I was thinking about my childhood today - or at least I was trying. I think I blocked out some memories, so if you have any input for the following lists, please let me know.

Things my dad has given me as a gift:
-flashlights
-a snow shovel
-glass lids to my mother's pots and pans

Things my dad has done in public:
-Told my friends how to check their prostate
-Left the cake out in the rain a few too many times, if you know what I mean

Interesting ways my dad punished me:
-"I have kids because I can't have slaves"
-Digging holes, then switching the dirt

Things my dad has done to my friends:
-Accused them of moving the pool table
-Made them plant flowers (sorry Wolf)
-Made them haul shingles from the bottom of the driveway up to the top of the roof, just because I was out of the state at the time

An open letter to my friend, Ryan*

Dear Ryan,

Hey man, what's up? Not much here. I'm doing well. You know, life is good. The wife? Oh, she's okay too, thanks for asking. How's the job at Manila Envelope? Good, I hope. Tell Bea Arthur to send me an angel some time.

Anyway, I have to confess - I have ulterior motives in sending you this letter. Since we live in different states, I don't get to see you that often. Yes, you're right, New Year's was awesome, and we'll have a lot of fun if you can come out for the FBR (ne Phoenix) Open. Plus, how long have I known you? Since Mr. Koops' class in American History? I think you even introduced me to Green Day way back when. Boy, Mr. Koops was sure queer, wasn't he? Speaking of queer, what is up with your IM avatar? I mean, seriously, "Running Horses"? Are you 12? Or are you just on the hunt for 12-year old boys? Since I don't see you on a daily or weekly basis, the only image I get of you is over MSN Messenger. Do you really want my image of you to be two horses nuzzling? I should start putting together the facts:

1. You live with a dude. And not just any dude. Obviously, you're the femme in this relationship.

2. Skipping. Need I say more?

3. You were unusually close with Garrett in high school.

4. Plus, the horses.

Have I been in denial all these years? Was Becky really a man? Did you really get it done in my loft, or was it at the Manhole in Denver? Are these questions you are really prepared to answer? Lord, I hope not. So, please, I beg of you, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING IM AVATAR!

So, I hope you come out soon. Really, I do. I even promise I won't stay up late and try to drunkenly teach you to play the guitar. Just promise that you won't offer to show me how to play the skin flute.

Your friend,

Zach


*Name not changed for comedic purposes. In fact, if you ask, I will provide you with his address and social security number.



This post written while listening to DJ Shadow, "Endtroducing" and "The Private Press."

Master of my own domain

I promise there is a post here; in fact, a very humorous post. Please scroll down to view. I have no clue how to resolve this problem* without posting more (which I plan to do). Until then, please forward your concerns here.

Thanks,

"The Management"





*Actually, all I had to do was change my blog's template. I don't like this one nearly as much, but it will have to do for now.

Does anyone know how to mix a Donkey Punch?

Earlier this week at work, a few coworkers and I were having a discussion about the appropriate gifts for certain anniversaries. Everyone knows the traditional silver (25 years) and gold (50 years), but will you know what to get your spouse after one year of wedded bliss? Why, paper, of course! However, this doesn't give you license to be cheap - I feel that a package of high-quality laser jet or photo paper would be appropriate. Or maybe just leave a note reminding your wife that you like dinner ready at 7 and that your shirts aren't crisp enough after she irons them. I'm sure she will appreciate the thoughtful gesture of a hand-written note and admire you for the helpful way you corrected her housewifery skills.

During this discussion, we learned that there are now more modern alternatives to the traditional annual gifts. For example, did you know that the modern gift of choice for the seventh anniversary is a desk set? Neither did I. Also, why was the leather anniversary pushed back from the third anniversary to the ninth? I thought all the kinky sex occurred early in the relationship, before the seven year itch. And what's the deal with appliances? I though all appliances made bad gifts - I learned this from watching my mother open her presents from my father.

Now, my blog shouldn't be titled "The Funniest Man in the World" if I can't create a chuckle now and then, right? Fast forward to earlier today, when my good friend Ryan, a proud near-alumnus of New Mexico State University, sent me the following humorous picture:





Being the helpful person I am, I proceeded to forward this advice to my coworker who started the anniversary discussion and who, coincidentally, just celebrated his first anniversary. I should also mention that, not so coincidentally, he is Mormon.

This is the response I received from him:

Michael says:
oh, cool
Michael says:
okay, so I thought that donkey punch was just a type of alcoholic drink
Michael says:
it's not
Michael says:
as I have begun to discover
Michael says:
I have to admit that that is really funny, if (highly) inappropriate


I'm sure he can create some sort of non-alcoholic Donkey Punch that can be enjoyed by all Mormons. As for me, I'll stick with the real deal.

BLOGJACKING

ZACH -



BLOG SOMETHING, GODDAMNIT!!!!