An open letter to my friend, Ryan*

Dear Ryan,

Hey man, what's up? Not much here. I'm doing well. You know, life is good. The wife? Oh, she's okay too, thanks for asking. How's the job at Manila Envelope? Good, I hope. Tell Bea Arthur to send me an angel some time.

Anyway, I have to confess - I have ulterior motives in sending you this letter. Since we live in different states, I don't get to see you that often. Yes, you're right, New Year's was awesome, and we'll have a lot of fun if you can come out for the FBR (ne Phoenix) Open. Plus, how long have I known you? Since Mr. Koops' class in American History? I think you even introduced me to Green Day way back when. Boy, Mr. Koops was sure queer, wasn't he? Speaking of queer, what is up with your IM avatar? I mean, seriously, "Running Horses"? Are you 12? Or are you just on the hunt for 12-year old boys? Since I don't see you on a daily or weekly basis, the only image I get of you is over MSN Messenger. Do you really want my image of you to be two horses nuzzling? I should start putting together the facts:

1. You live with a dude. And not just any dude. Obviously, you're the femme in this relationship.

2. Skipping. Need I say more?

3. You were unusually close with Garrett in high school.

4. Plus, the horses.

Have I been in denial all these years? Was Becky really a man? Did you really get it done in my loft, or was it at the Manhole in Denver? Are these questions you are really prepared to answer? Lord, I hope not. So, please, I beg of you, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING IM AVATAR!

So, I hope you come out soon. Really, I do. I even promise I won't stay up late and try to drunkenly teach you to play the guitar. Just promise that you won't offer to show me how to play the skin flute.

Your friend,

Zach


*Name not changed for comedic purposes. In fact, if you ask, I will provide you with his address and social security number.



This post written while listening to DJ Shadow, "Endtroducing" and "The Private Press."