HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A typical conversation between Ryan and me

Ryan says:
are you guys doing anything for spring vacation?
Zach says:
I don't know
Zach says:
well, we don't get it off from work, I know that much
Ryan says:
right.. well me and belle are thinking about a mexico trip in march..
Zach says:
is this an invitation?
Ryan says:
absolutely!
Ryan says:
possibly a nice resort in cancun
Zach says:
just to let you know, we don't swing or anything
Ryan says:
um, yeah..
Ryan says:
well then i'll ask someone who wants to "play"


And, man oh man, do I wish I had saved a conversation from earlier today. Our mutual friend (and Ryan's old roommate) dropped in on Ryan in SD, and they got "beyond drunk." The night ended with Justin, naked except for a strategically placed sock, molesting Cadis' bed, pillows and stuffed bear. Apparently, there is photographic evidence of this situation, although I haven' seen it. Cadis, however, has.

New Year's Debauchery

My wife, Lampshade 

The Lampshade Crew 

Every student needs a role model

There's this song I've been listening to lately, and it includes the following verse:

The schools now? It is all about
self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids' self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Well, apparently some people believe you can be a stripper and still have high self esteem.

Ahh, youth, the most fleeting gift

I was thinking about my childhood today - or at least I was trying. I think I blocked out some memories, so if you have any input for the following lists, please let me know.

Things my dad has given me as a gift:
-flashlights
-a snow shovel
-glass lids to my mother's pots and pans

Things my dad has done in public:
-Told my friends how to check their prostate
-Left the cake out in the rain a few too many times, if you know what I mean

Interesting ways my dad punished me:
-"I have kids because I can't have slaves"
-Digging holes, then switching the dirt

Things my dad has done to my friends:
-Accused them of moving the pool table
-Made them plant flowers (sorry Wolf)
-Made them haul shingles from the bottom of the driveway up to the top of the roof, just because I was out of the state at the time

An open letter to my friend, Ryan*

Dear Ryan,

Hey man, what's up? Not much here. I'm doing well. You know, life is good. The wife? Oh, she's okay too, thanks for asking. How's the job at Manila Envelope? Good, I hope. Tell Bea Arthur to send me an angel some time.

Anyway, I have to confess - I have ulterior motives in sending you this letter. Since we live in different states, I don't get to see you that often. Yes, you're right, New Year's was awesome, and we'll have a lot of fun if you can come out for the FBR (ne Phoenix) Open. Plus, how long have I known you? Since Mr. Koops' class in American History? I think you even introduced me to Green Day way back when. Boy, Mr. Koops was sure queer, wasn't he? Speaking of queer, what is up with your IM avatar? I mean, seriously, "Running Horses"? Are you 12? Or are you just on the hunt for 12-year old boys? Since I don't see you on a daily or weekly basis, the only image I get of you is over MSN Messenger. Do you really want my image of you to be two horses nuzzling? I should start putting together the facts:

1. You live with a dude. And not just any dude. Obviously, you're the femme in this relationship.

2. Skipping. Need I say more?

3. You were unusually close with Garrett in high school.

4. Plus, the horses.

Have I been in denial all these years? Was Becky really a man? Did you really get it done in my loft, or was it at the Manhole in Denver? Are these questions you are really prepared to answer? Lord, I hope not. So, please, I beg of you, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING IM AVATAR!

So, I hope you come out soon. Really, I do. I even promise I won't stay up late and try to drunkenly teach you to play the guitar. Just promise that you won't offer to show me how to play the skin flute.

Your friend,

Zach


*Name not changed for comedic purposes. In fact, if you ask, I will provide you with his address and social security number.



This post written while listening to DJ Shadow, "Endtroducing" and "The Private Press."

Master of my own domain

I promise there is a post here; in fact, a very humorous post. Please scroll down to view. I have no clue how to resolve this problem* without posting more (which I plan to do). Until then, please forward your concerns here.

Thanks,

"The Management"





*Actually, all I had to do was change my blog's template. I don't like this one nearly as much, but it will have to do for now.

Does anyone know how to mix a Donkey Punch?

Earlier this week at work, a few coworkers and I were having a discussion about the appropriate gifts for certain anniversaries. Everyone knows the traditional silver (25 years) and gold (50 years), but will you know what to get your spouse after one year of wedded bliss? Why, paper, of course! However, this doesn't give you license to be cheap - I feel that a package of high-quality laser jet or photo paper would be appropriate. Or maybe just leave a note reminding your wife that you like dinner ready at 7 and that your shirts aren't crisp enough after she irons them. I'm sure she will appreciate the thoughtful gesture of a hand-written note and admire you for the helpful way you corrected her housewifery skills.

During this discussion, we learned that there are now more modern alternatives to the traditional annual gifts. For example, did you know that the modern gift of choice for the seventh anniversary is a desk set? Neither did I. Also, why was the leather anniversary pushed back from the third anniversary to the ninth? I thought all the kinky sex occurred early in the relationship, before the seven year itch. And what's the deal with appliances? I though all appliances made bad gifts - I learned this from watching my mother open her presents from my father.

Now, my blog shouldn't be titled "The Funniest Man in the World" if I can't create a chuckle now and then, right? Fast forward to earlier today, when my good friend Ryan, a proud near-alumnus of New Mexico State University, sent me the following humorous picture:





Being the helpful person I am, I proceeded to forward this advice to my coworker who started the anniversary discussion and who, coincidentally, just celebrated his first anniversary. I should also mention that, not so coincidentally, he is Mormon.

This is the response I received from him:

Michael says:
oh, cool
Michael says:
okay, so I thought that donkey punch was just a type of alcoholic drink
Michael says:
it's not
Michael says:
as I have begun to discover
Michael says:
I have to admit that that is really funny, if (highly) inappropriate


I'm sure he can create some sort of non-alcoholic Donkey Punch that can be enjoyed by all Mormons. As for me, I'll stick with the real deal.

BLOGJACKING

ZACH -



BLOG SOMETHING, GODDAMNIT!!!!