Indecent proposal

Gnarls Barkley is crazy . . . but is America crazy also?

Gnarls Barkley's debut hit the charts at #20 this week, much lower than I expected. The album has been a top-five hit in England for seven or eight weeks, so I had high expectations. After listening to the new Gnarls album several times, I'm pretty sure these guys are crazy--crazy original and crazy good. And after reviewing the 19 albums in front of St. Elsewhere, I'm pretty sure that America is crazy too. Let's review this week's top 20.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium: Actually, I have no issues here. I haven't heard the album yet, but I sort of like Dani California as a single, mainly because of the kick-ass guitar solo (welcome back John Frusciante!). By the way, this is the Pepper's first #1 album, which I find hard to believe. Blood Sugar Sex Magik and Californication both peaked at #3, and By the Way hit #2 in 2002.

2. Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me: Middle aged man loses extremely hot girl (and a portion of fame as well). Apparently, not much is left. Exhibit #1 showing that America is crazy and a good excuse to post a picture of Jessica Simpson.

3. Tool - 10,000 Days: No issue here either. I haven't been a fan since Undertow, but I've heard they are better now than they were 10 years ago. And, they just performed at Gammage, which is an interesting choice for a hard rock band.

4. Jagged Edge - Jagged Edge: No clue. But from the cover, I think we can submit this as Exhibit #2.

5. The Isley Brothers feat. Ronald Isley - Baby Making Music: The Isley Brothers? Really? The same band that had a hit with "Shout" in 1959? Seriously? It's been more than 40 years since then. What does this say about the state of music today? Exhibit #3.

6. Rascal Flatts - Me and My Gang: I guess some people like modern country, so I'll give them a few slots in the top twenty. Still, the album should be My Gang and Me.

7. Soundtrack - High School Musical: It's a movie about Karaoke. It's from Disney. According to Billboard, "While the movie's soundtrack isn't exactly challenging, it does feature a pretty engaging mix of music and empowering messages, most of which can be found in earnest ballads." Hmmm, I'll pass, thanks. Exhibit #4

8. Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam: The band that fought TicketMaster. The band that put out 25 live recordings of the same tour. The band that put out three shitty albums on Epic to complete its contract, and then put out this album on its own. I love it. Let's make guacamole.

9. Various Artists - Now this is what I call Music 21: On the positive side, this keeps all those other crappy artists out of the top 20. On the negative side, this is one of the worst ongoing series ever. If you want to hear any of these songs (probably in the same order in which they appear on the album), turn on whatever top 40 pop station you can find. Exhibit #5.

10. James Blunt - Back to Bedlam: I'm torn on this one. I have the album, but I don't listen to it. Let's call this Exhibit #6, mainly because the people who are buying this album have probably only heard the edited version of "You're Beautiful" and think the song says ". . . flying high." They also think it is a love song. They are in for a surprise.

11. Bruce Springsteen - We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions: With this and the Isley Brothers, who knew the Boomers were still buying albums? Actually, maybe they are the only people still buying albums. Still, this seems like a fair spot for an American legend. But this leads me Bon Jovi's new album, which is an absolute debacle. First, the album cover is a stupid emoticon smiley face. Second, has anyone seen the video for "Let's Build a House" or whatever? Fine, the boys raised some money and built some houses. But did they really need to record a three-minute commercial for themselves--and then trick MTV and VH1 to play it? Exhibit #7 and #8 right here.

12. Andrea Bocelli - Amore: This could be counter-exhibit #1, as it is actually a traditional, non-pop album in America's top 20. Kudos.

13. Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Volume 2: Reflected: Again, I'm open to country fans, but does Tim McGraw's career merit TWO greatest hits albums? Like the ex-Mr. Jessica Simpson, I think he's another guy famous for who he married. Exhibit #9, not for the country, but for the second greatest hits album.

14. Paul Simon - Surprise: Surprise! He's still alive! Great career, great songwriter, but can't he sit back and live off royalties? Or does he still record albums as a big "f-you" to Garfunkel? Another album propelled by the Boomer buyers.

15. Neil Young - Living With War: So, Neil Young records a protest album. How very 1971 of him. Maybe he can record another song about the shootings at Kent State, as well. I like generally like Neil Young, but I'm going to have to label this Exhibit #10 for unnecessary nostalgia.

16. Shakira - Oral Fixation Volume 2: Again with the multiple volumes. I'll tell you what Shakira's hips don't lie about--she can't sing, she can't dance, and she's not pretty. Stop shaking to cover up for your weaknesses. Exhibit #11.

17. Alan Jackson - Precious Memories: This album has precious memories of climbing up to the fourth spot, then slipping every week since then.

18. Toby Keith - White Trash With Money: Everyone who bought this album is white trash with less money. A 12-er of Natty Light would have been a better choice. Exhibit #12.

19. Godsmack - IV: I really hope this refers to intravenous, and not IV, like Led Zeppelin's perfect album IV. A heroin reference might make the album salvagable. Exhibit #13.

And with this, the prosecution rests. 19 albums, 11 direct violations and 13 exhibits. America is crazy (like I needed to tell you that).

Sometimes it's okay for grown men to kiss

I'm watching the Champions League soccer final right now, and Barcelona just scored its second goal in four minutes to go up 2 - 1 over Arsenal with 10 minutes left in the match. Arsenal scored in the first half and led for about 40 minutes, despite losing its goalie to a red card 18 minutes into the match.

At the 80 minute mark, Barca's Samuel Eto'o slid behind the defense on the right side and flicked in a quick shot before collapsing to his knees in the rain. Immediately mobbed by teammates, Eto'o was kissed by at least two excited teammates. It was a very Brokeback moment.

Barca held on to win 2 - 1, but I didn't see any more kissing during the celebration. Too bad, as I think this could really catch on in the NFL now that certain touchdown celebrations are banned.

IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

An endemic is occuring. Luckily, our move might allow us to escape its grasp--but not before letting the disease spread to my sister's house!

A new meaning for "hail to the chief"

Anyone heard the song "Hail to the Chief"? You know, the lame one that plays when the President enters the room? Hail to the Chief was first played for a presidential entrance in 1812 or 1845, well before the modern era. The current president has an iPod: I think it is time for an update. The song is boring, and worse, it apparently descends from a Scottish folk song. That's right, an American didn't even write the song that announces the entrance of the American president. I think this is cause for a moral outrage (since everything else is these days).

In fact, I propose a new song for such entrances: the Indiana Jones theme. Da-ta-da-da, ta ta, Da-ta-duh-da, DAH DAH DAH. Who wouldn't want to hear this song more? I think there are at least three immediate benefits. First, the song is much cooler and uplifting, and it might make people a little more excited to hear the president speak. Second, in the wake of image problems related to recent presidents (no shots at either administration), it could restore the heroic image that the office of the president used to hold. Third, an updated song from a cool movie might make kids more interested in politics. I don't see anything wrong with any of these outcomes.

The song was also composed by an American, the great John Williams. He also wrote the music for Star Wars, which provides an interesting contrast. For example, if the president is meeting with some dignitaries from Iran or North Korea (or even if an incumbent president is debating a challenger), he could enter to the Indiana Jones theme while Star Wars' Imperial March is played for the other person. Who would be against this? In fact, I think we take this idea even further and have the translator speak through a Darth Vader voice box (or just have James Earl Jones voice over entire speeches).

I voiced this opinion to a friend today, and he thought the current president might take this idea too far and start appearing in public with a bull whip. Again, who would have a problem with this? He could smack the toupee off Kim Jong-il. I also heard that Bush would like to run for another term; I can't decide if this is because he just ignores the rules anyway or because he can't count to three. Either way, it is an interesting debate with enormous political ramifications.

Welcome to my underground lair

As of today, I'm assuming a new online identity: Diabolical H. Crazy.

The choices were tough, but I had an inspiring list (all actual spam names I received):
Regulatory F. Premising
Overslept H. Hutton
Pickle H. Excursion
Zigzag I. Charcoal
Principle H. Impertinence
Fertilizing A. Linnets
Eutychius Colpitts
Sardining D. Contradistinction
Narrower B. Amorousness
Keystrokes Q. Dumped
Spongiest F. Monetarism
Destined I. Frigidaire
Neologism K. Spartacus
Standard Q. Openwork

Parkour

My wife knows that one of my life goals--likely never to be achieved at this point--is learning how to run up a wall and do a back flip.

One time at a busted party in high school, I tried to hide from the popo by jumping into the framing in the ceiling of an unfinished house. I wanted to grab onto a pipe and swing my legs over something else, so I could hang up there. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I ended up in the back of a black-and-white car that night. I earned the nickname Zachie Chan for that moment, which I will probably never live down.

Maybe if I were one of these guys, I could have escaped an interesting situation that night (although my car was there, so I guess I wouldn't have made it that far).

The Ricker sightings in NY

My father, he gets around. First, he entered the world mustache and beard championships in Europe last year.








Then, he appeared on a street sign in Greenwich Village.










Finally, he appears to have opened up a restaurant in New York, with the "Havana Rick" look he rocks on vacations. Unfortunately, someone already beat him to the punch with the name.

Can you re-jump the shark?

It seems everyone (even my mother-in-law) knows about jumping the shark. Happy Days, blah blah blah, The Fonz, yadda yadda yadda, water skiing in a leather jacket. It also seems that everyone, in the interest of sensationalism, is quick to write off shows and trends at earlier and earlier points. Desperate Housewives? Jumped early in season one. The O.C.? Maybe late in the second season, but definitely in the third when Johnny entered the picture (though some say the Oliver fiasco was the tipping point). I've even heard people declare that the phrase "the tipping point" has jumped the shark, or "tipped" according to Gladwell.

(Non sequitur extraordinaire: I think the lead singer from Wolfmother just passed Gladwell as the best white-fro in the world.)

Now, back to the O.C. and jumping the shark. For background, until recently, the O.C. was one of the shows my DVR recorded, along with the Sopranos, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, the Simpsons, Sons & Daughters, and My Name is Earl. However, I lost track of the O.C. back in November, just when those crazy kids were applying to college, Marissa was in public school, and Johnny's surfing career had been wiped out by a car.

Fast forward to March; I deleted a bunch of the older episodes to clear room on my DVR, but I kept a few from February. Last month, bored and home alone one night, I decided to knock out one of these newer, but still months old, episodes. Within minutes, I learned that Johnny died, what's-her-name from Chino was back, and something else was going on. It was so bad, I had to turn it off immediately.

Then, the other evening, my wife and I were talking with another friend, and she said that the O.C. got so much better in April--and from the story lines she described, maybe it did. Therefore, I wonder, can something re-jump the shark?