OK, here goes....A story by Effin Sweet

[INSERT ZACH'S ORIGINAL STORY ABOUT BABYMOMMA AND BABYDADDY AND THEIR ENCOUNTER WITH THE MORMONS FROM OUTER SPACE....]

{GEORGE, mid twenties, goodlooking, reaches for the remote}

GEORGE: God, why does every fucking movie on Cinemax have to be a piece of shit!

[he channel surfs for a few moments, finally settling on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien"]

GEORGE: Fuck yeah! Shannon Elizabeth!

{SFX: a telephone ring}

GEORGE: Hello?

VOICEOVER (FEMALE): Look Fuckhead! Mess with me again and I'll cut your fucking balls off!


Then?

Getting misty eyed....

I feel so special that Zach would want me to be a guest blogger. I'm not a screenwriter, though, so hopefully I won't disappoint. I kind of liked the idea of our Round Robin script. Zach, where did it go?

An open letter to anyone who cares

Listen, do you think I really care what you think?* This is not the place to argue about the definition of "ironic". Talk to my wife, the former editor, I'm sure she cares. Besides, she's wicked skillful with a belt. Me, I'm about to kick ass and take names. I would've fucked you in the ass Saturday, I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead! Besides, you're all over the line.





Until next time, waste your time with this.

Shea Stadium the Radium E M D squared, got kicked out of the Palladium, you think that I cared?


*Note: If I really wanted to start a discussion, do I care that you care? Or do you care that I care? Or do I care that you care that I care? Or do you care that I care that you care? Do I really care? Do you really care? Do we both care but don't care to show it? Did you realize that I have typed care so many times, I'm now questioning whether I misspelled it? Who cares? It's just another four letter word.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

With a title inspired by Carissa's 80's post, I am ready to enjoy this weekend. The stress of studying for a test has passed, and, despite one night of drunken debauchery last week (that included a cigarette!), I still feel the need to kick back and rest on my laurels (and my ass) for a weekend. So, thanks to my lovely wife, I'm staying at the Biltmore Resort this weekend.

This week felt so long, that I thought Wednesday was Friday. This week felt so long, especially after working just three days last week. Yet, here I find myself, at work on Friday afternoon, trying to find little things to do to stay busy instead of leaving early.




Screw it. I'm out. Rock and Roll.

It was good enough for Ferris' ninth sick day

Lately, Phoenix has been getting me down. I have been telling friends and family that the city has been sucking the soul out of me, which is a legitimate fear I have. I mean, seriously, compare this:



to this:



No comparison, right? Okay, maybe I chose that first picture to illustrate a point, and maybe there are some things I really like about Phoenix (like March), but I'm really beginning to think that there's not much more in this town than what I've seen. And it doesn't help the fact that most of the people I knew in college couldn't wait to hightail it out of here.

I've long talked about moving to Chicago (and that's still on the horizon somewhere), but now I'm beginning to think of even other areas I hadn't considered - Denver, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Memphis, Atlanta and Boston, to name a few. However, as much as I want to live in a big city, part of me just wants to pack up and move to Costa Rica and learn to surf, working some carefree job to get some spending money. Then, as soon as I'm picturing this utopian lifestyle, I start think about how hard it would be for me to get back on track after I'm done screwing around. Am I too far along one path to start on another? Did I miss my chance? Can I waste a whole winter bumping chairs and working at a ski area?

Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?

So I was reading through this list of great songs and, while I agreed with a number of them, I was surprised that a Phil Collins song (and a song with which I was not familiar) took the top spot. While reading the explanation of the song, I was reminded of American Psycho and Mr. Bateman's musical obsessions.

Anyway, I figured that I should have a similar list, with my own Bateman-esque descriptions, in order to give the reader(s) a little bit of knowledge about me. You'll note that I added the option to pluralize reader, because eventually I might find 3 or even 4 dedicated fans. To be true to Retrocrush, this list represents five of my favorite moments from songs - not a list of favorite songs. I started out with a goal of ten, but this was harder than I thought.

1. Led Zeppelin - What is and What Should Never Be. Besides the fact that Robert Plant sounds like he's singing through water for much of the song, there's a part towards then end where the guitar alternates left speaker/right speaker/left speaker/right speaker. In a small room, it is pretty interesting.

2. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here. At the very end, you can hear a breeze. And, if you are listening to the song with my wife, you will hear her impression of the breeze. Highly entertaining.

3. Jurassic 5 - Concrete Schoolyard. The Bill Cosby sample is quite amusing, as is J-5's obsession with spelling out the band name. However, the best part of the song is the verse at the end with a different beat. "I hope you got your shots cuz this is lyrical malaria."

4. Beastie Boys - The New Style and Intergalactic. The Beastie Boys ran out of samples, so they sampled themselves. "And let all the fly skimmies, feel the beat . . . drop." Honorable mention: Get it Together.

5. Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil. I was trying not to repeat any of the selections from the Retrocrush list, but I kept coming back to this song - but a completely separate section. The guitar solo in this song just rips. And it's probably the same notes played over and over. But it is a really great solo.

Thoughts?

Good times, great oldies

Sonic Waitress: What can I get you today?
Group of Guys in Black Jimmy: 4 Cheeseburgers and Cherry Limeades
Sonic Waitress: Anything else?
Group of Guys in Black Jimmy: No Thanks
Funniest Man in the World: (trying not to burst out laughing) Frankie Sent Us!
Sonic Waitress: Frankie? Frankie Who?
FMITW: Frankie Avalon!
(roar of laughter from within the Jimmy)

Who am I?

After typing that title, I just spent a few minutes chuckling to myself about the genius that is Zoolander.