Things overheard in my office during construction that could have also been said at a bachelor party

Can you help me lay this wood?

Got the strippers?

Nice spackle job.

Arrest the network programmers!

I was going to write this, but I've been so busy at work that I haven't had a chance. Maybe I'll write something after the season finale.

Hands down, BEST SHOW ON NETWORK TELEVISION. I will not even entertain arguments otherwise. Go here and sign this petition - not that it will do much anyway. See my comments below on voting and the election process in general.

An employee with too much free time

Let me introduce to you Kita, an employee of one of the largest media companies in the world. No wonder the company's theme parks are filled with fat, unhappy people and its movies suck.

America!

America We Stand as One

Dr. Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and become completely apathetic

In November I was pretty worked up about this whole Bush-Kerry election (remember that?). However last night I was thinking to myself does it really matter? How has this affected my life at all? I cannot think of one time in the past five months other than the few weeks after the election where I have thought to myself, “boy, we’re all screwed now.” I suppose that HAD Kerry won my life would have been different as he would have been trying to institute his agenda – and I would have to listen to all the conservatives complain about Bush losing. Albeit it has only been five months the country hasn’t gone to hell 48% of the population predicted. Now Iraq – that’s another matter. I’m glad I don’t live there.

In fact I think that Bush’s second term has been more boring than his first. The frequency of Bushisms has slowed. I read somewhere – I don’t remember where – that Bush had actually taken lessons in diction and vocabulary and had focused on being less “hickish” – one of the very things that appealed to his fan base.

Today an article in Wall Street Journal mentioned that the Republican party is beginning to splinter as Bush’s recent actions with Social Security and Terry Schiavo are dividing the party on social and moral grounds. According to one person there is a growing divide between Bush’s goals and what the American public desires. Then there was that other report in the last month that mentioned that ALL of the U.S.’s intelligence prior to the invasion of Iraq was incorrect. Don’t take this as support of the conservative agenda or Bush’s agenda, but I think the bigger risk is represented by the Republican leaders in Congress and his brother Jeb, who supposedly is down with L. Ron and the Scientologists.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I still don’t see how politics affect me on a daily basis (I can already see the wheels in motion in Christy’s mind as she prepares her argument). Previously I had argued that the only thing that really upset me about having Bush as a president was the fact that our reputation as Americans had been ruined abroad. Judging from the fun I had last year in Paris, I think this depends on the person. Either way I’m sure the president will end up doing something with which I don’t agree – but hey, isn’t that one of the risks of a representative government?

All right stop, collaborate and listen

Is there another opening line that so energizes those people between the ages of 25 and 30? Does anyone else recall the days of "Go ninja, go ninja, go" and Arsenio Hall? In fact, if I were compiling a top 100 list of my memories, I'm not so sure that I could leave off the great scene from an early Vanilla Ice interview (also replayed in the Behind the Music special on the great white hype) in which Mr. Robert Van Winkle explained the key difference between Queen and David Bowie's song "Under Pressure" and "Ice Ice Baby":

"Their song goes bah-dah-dah-dadadada, bah-dah-dah-dadadada while mine goes bah-DAH-dah-dadadada-tin, bah-DAH-dah-dadadada-tin. It's that tiny little 'tin' at the end that makes it different."

Straight from the mouth of a genius.



If you remember this, please let me know. Now, I thought I'd pass this along:


Implausible Claims
Made by Vanilla Ice
in His 1990 No. 1 Hit
"Ice Ice Baby."

"Ice is back with my brand-new invention."

"Turn off the lights and I'll glow."

"I rock a mike like a vandal."

"I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom."

"I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a high hat."

"I grabbed my nine."

"I'm a lyrical poet."

"My style's like a chemical spill."

"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram."

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it."



Giving credit where it's due.

What Goes Around

After resuming all that is great and wonderful in the world (i.e., my blogging prowess), I entertained myself by re-reading some of my older (though still absolutely hysterical) verbal stylings and came to one conclusion: I am running out of references. How is this possible you ask, knowing full well that I am overflowing with pop culture witicisms and other miscellaneous knowledge? Well, I answer, I'm not really sure. But note that, in my most recent post, I mentioned having the ability to pause time and take a nap. Unfortunately, I used the exact same reference to Out of this World in an earlier post. There's also my double Burt Reynolds reference (does this make it triple now?). The man deserves some respect but am I giving him too much?* After inserting yet another punchy give-and-take between Ryan and me (another retread), I was about to post something alluding to the Rolling Stones' Sympathy for the Devil - only to remember I've already done it. It's starting to sound like the same old, same old that happens when my friends gather in Monument to rehash "Good times, Great oldies." I think Christy can tell most of my childhood stories better than me at this point - and she's nice enough to call my bluff when I start to exaggerate (Love ya baby!).

What I really enjoyed about the blog was not so much my postings but the give-and-take between multiple characters in the "comments" section. So, Ryan, Carissa, Christy, Karen and Mark: get back up in the saddle and make yourself heard like 100 Rifles.




*In an unrelated sidenote, I finally watched the original The Longest Yard a few months back - I think the remake is going to be disappointing. But since Hollywood seems obsessed with remakes right now, I vote that Adam Sandler star as Burt in every role. Who wouldn't go see Billy Madison in Smokey and the Bandit? He could even follow it up with a turn in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Boogie Nights - again, perfect roles. Carissa, do what you can to set this up.

File Under: Things I Wish I Could Do

This is pure beauty.


There's lots more on this list, too. Travel for a year. Figure out my taxes. Pass the CFA exam. Stop getting hangovers. Get in better shape. Sleep with an Asian girl. Have the ability to pause time, so I could just take a nap once in a while. Train my dog to heel. And, train my dog to heal. Speak Spanish. Hell, even speak Mandarin Chinese. Play bridge. Start a hedge fund. Shoot under par for a round of golf. Win a Nobel prize for economics. Make sure I don't spend the rest of my life in Phoenix. Start a band. Have said band make a good record - it doesn't have to be a hit, just good. Write a book. Or write a screenplay. Start a political party - enough of this two-party shit. Learn to each junk food without having my dad's voice in my head counting grams of fat. Live outside of the country for a while. Hit a really big air on my snowboard in a terrain park, with lots of people watching. Finally catch that damn Trix Rabbit.


And, really rip on a BMX bike.

Pictures from Sonoma

Me and the wifey in our future vineyard  

Pictures from Sonoma

3 sheets to the wind 

Pictures from Sonoma

Very excited to be at Korbel. It must have been the brandy at 10:30 in the morning. 

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Ryan says:
did you hear the pope died?
Zach says:
NO!
Ryan says:
yeah.. i think they are trying to keep it quiet
Zach says:
I think I had him in a death pool, so I may have won some cash
Ryan says:
damn.. i had tony curtis in my bracket
Zach says:
it was funny, on Saturday, all the networks dropped scheduled coverage to report on this, except for CBS, which kept showing "The Road to the Final Four" - so I guess we know how religion and basketball rank for CBS
Ryan says:
well i really don't understand what they were reporting.. every time i turned on the tv, they were just staring at st peter's or the vatican. not to be a dick, but the guy is old. he had a good run, but honestly, does it need to interrupt my surreal life marathon?
Zach says:
yes, because it ruined plans for Strange Love 2: John Paul and Madonna
Ryan says:
"po-pey-pope!"